a poem.
-Cesárea Tinajero
Been listening to a ton of Lemon Jelly lately (lemonjelly.ky is a drug), and their funky simple sample grooves got me thinking back to the guy who got it all going in the first place: DJ Shadow. Arriving in ’96, well, well, well ahead of its time, Endtroducing….. was one of the first successful albums composed entirely of samples. No “new” music was involved in the making of this patchwork wonder-quilt. All the little snippets were wound down, sped up, spliced, chopped, re-worked, and re-assembled to produce something greater than the sum of its parts. In an F. Scott Fitzgerald type twist, it was basically his Gatsby– The beginning and end of him as an artist. He would never escape the shadow of his own accomplishment.
B-Side: Organ Donor
Alright, a real mystery. I found this guy posting on a music subreddit some five years ago. He said he’d made an album in the grips of alcoholic depression, then decided it was trash and tossed the whole project. Years later, in a fit of sobriety he pulled it out, listened again and decided it wasn’t bad. I downloaded Deep in the Valley Looking Down because I thought it was an interesting story. What I got for my trouble was magnificent.
It’s a chaotic, risky mess, equal parts misses and hits, and you sit right down in it with him. The recordings are disturbingly personal, low-fi and weird, with lots of looped guitars and feedback, the lyrics are simple and powerful when they exist at all, and the song titles are pure poetry. I’ve always had a fetish for good titles. My favorite of the bunch is, “for the fat girl in the bejeweled sweater, i told you i was genius.” That. That is a fucking title.
I honestly have no idea what happened to this guy. It’s been years now and I can’t find him anywhere on the internet, he never popped his head up again. Who knows if he’s still making music, or if he’s even alive. But I have here this album, and a handful of other tracks, and I treasure them. I would love to find Howlround, wherever he is now, if for no other reason than to tell him someone listened. Someone heard him, mumbling there in the dark. And it was good.
When House of Balloons first appeared it was an enigma. No interviews, no identities, just this music. Beach House samples, dangerous lyrics, a voice so smooth it sounded like auto-tune, a silky guitar hook and a drop to blow your hair back. It was this faceless voice from the basements of sex and degradation and darkness. It was creepy good.
“Girl put in work…”
Once there were two bears in a part of the world where man had not yet come. Bears are scarce and lonely creatures, but somehow these two found each other. They shared a cave and the boy bear slept with his head on the girl bear’s flank. Outside there gurgled a cold stream, full of fish. In the meadow there were berries and down the mountain there was honey. They were happy. Then man arrived.
First in great trucks they came to clear the trees. Then in smaller machines to lay smooth black paths through the forest. Then in station wagons with wives and children. They came and they stayed. In time the birds fled, the smaller animals disappeared and the forest grew quiet but for the sounds of the great machines. The bears, for the most part, took no notice. They fished and foraged and the boy bear slept against the girl bear’s flank as before. Then one day the boy bear was pulling fish from a stream and he stopped and raised his snout. There was a scent. He turned and saw them.
Two men, wearing red and black flannel, stood watching him. They carried shaped sticks. In that soundless quiet they stood, looking at each other, for what seemed a long time. Then one of the men raised his stick and it barked. There was a flash of light and the boy bear felt something sharp bite him in the shoulder. He roared. He charged. The fury was on him and the world dimmed to one fast-approaching face. He destroyed it. He took the head. When the red mists cleared the other man was gone and he stood looking down at the gory mess. Then he went home, laid his head against the girl bear’s flank and he slept.
The next day they were fishing their stream together when the net came down. The boy bear was trapped and the fibrous ropes defied the rending of his claws. The girl bear, panicked, tried to bite through his bonds. Many shaped sticks barked at once and she reared up in pain. The sticks barked again and swarming with burning bites she turned and ran. She retreated to a safe distance where she watched the men drag the boy bear away. That night she slept alone on the stone floor of their cave. Her bites itched and her bare flank was cold.
The boy bear awoke in a large enclosure. There was grass and there were trees and a man came each day to feed him dead fish from a bucket. He passed many days here. It wasn’t terrible, but neither was it good. The days here felt unnatural, he missed the girl bear and he missed the freedom of the forest. One day he looked at the outer wall of the enclosure and really saw it for the first time. All day he sat looking at it. When night fell he scaled a tree and leapt to the top of the wall. His claws scrabbled on the hard surface, then found purchase. He hung there, an odd sight, then slowly pulled his bulk up and over.
He landed on the other side in some sort of nightmare. Everywhere and everything was the smooth hardness that man had brought to the forest. He snuffled along, looking for a scent, not of the enclosure and not of man. He found it and followed it to a large, hard box. There was a glinting in one of the holes in the box and he pushed his snout up against it and peered inside. There was a man, sitting in a chair, rocking back and forth with an animal by his side. The man saw him and both paused. Then the man reached for something.
The bear watched, confused, as the man raised the shaped stick and it barked. The clear thing covering the opening shattered and he felt the bite. This time it was his eye. He roared in pain and confusion and lurched backwards from the box. Sounds of yelling and commotion came from within as he stumbled down the street, trailing blood from his useless socket. Lights came on, first yellow in unreal day, then blue and white. He was surrounded by these lights and they blinded him. He lurched drunkenly side to side, but everywhere he turned there were lights. He heard the voices of men and the barking of sticks. His side lit up in pain. He ran.
He crashed through the line of men and the first face he saw was a little one. He roared and took the head. Sticks barked and he lurched up and forward again. The sounds of machines filled his ears and the flashing lights were in his eye. Overhead, a whirring sound preceded the coming of another machine, a flying machine. This too barked, a terrible rapid barking, and pieces of the smoothness around him erupted in flying chunks. He charged around a corner and there was the forest.
He thought of the cave, the cold stream outside full of fish. He thought of the meadow, the tall grass and the honey. He thought of the girl bear and her warm flank. He was suddenly very tired. These pictures flicked one after another through his brain as he gripped the smoothness and pulled for the tree-line. He made it about halfway. Then an awful roaring supplanted the earth and everything went black all at once.
After much debate, they took the boy bear, scarred and missing an eye, way, way up into the Northern woods. A different woods, a far woods. They took him there, where man had not yet come, and they left his body in a clearing where the song-birds still lived, and where small animals came up to nuzzle him. In time, he awakened. He dragged himself downhill, found a stream and ate some fish. He crawled back uphill, found a cave and slept in it. The leaves were auburn and gold and a damp chill hung in the air. In the morning he pulled his battered body to the lip of the cave and looked south.
The girl bear didn’t know what to do. The autumn days passed and she did her best to avoid the encroachments of man. Sometimes she caught their scent or heard their machines and always she hid or moved on. Each night she slept her flank was cold and each morning she rose to an empty cave. She caught fish, ate berries and honey, and grew full for the coming winter. With a heavy heart, as the first snows drifted down to re-paint the worlds of bear and man alike, she went to sleep.
When she awoke months later there was a familiar weight against her flank. She placed a hand on his head and brushed the fur from his tattered eye. He nuzzled against her as outside the cave the song-birds sang their returning. She smiled and let him sleep. It was spring.
Stirring, rolling, flowing, eerie. A theme for being scared. A theme for packing boxes.
“I’d make sure if I were you…”
just as candles
wax to dark
call me noah
and this my ark
begin with me
and we’ll depart
you know things
they fall apart
if entropy
must split the whole
if we’ve never
had control
i’d do it all
again of course
from the very start
you know things
they fall apart
so take my hand
in yours i knew
from the very first
that i would know
what it felt like
to feel so much
you burst
that’s all i asked
and what i got
now i’ll be fine
even if i’m not
for i have known
a swollen heart
and you know things
they fall apart.
The studio version is perfectly mastered waves of sound, and this rinky-dink recording is decidedly not. Definitely, definitely do seek out the studio recording. For now though, for this space, there’s something raw and flawed and dancing on the edge of destruction in this performance that makes me hold my breath. Get personal with your music, get up in its face, watch it miss notes– Touch the flesh inside the machine. I also really appreciate her spelling of grey.
“Great-grandmother lived on the prairie: nothing, and nothing, and nothing, and nothing…”
Here, I’ll save you the trouble:
Dan Boeckner, front-man of Wolf Parade (and, I just discovered, guest guitarist for Islands on “Swans”), performing with his then-wife as Handsome Furs. They’ve since divorced and disbanded, as one does, and yet here we have them preserved — in a time before time wore them down. The sound quality isn’t great, which is a shame because it deadens the drop, but the other qualities?
Oh, the other qualities.
“…Go.”
Loneliness, antipathy
and emptiness will flee from me
when empathy has set me free
then I’ll be alone.
Legacy and satisfaction
both will go in black redaction
unity gives way to faction
turns upon the throne.
Lusting, hunger, conquest, greed
on their knees the beaten plead
gods of man destroy the seed
violently sown.
With truncheon rods we cracked the cones
in black and white we won’t atone
lords of nothing broken stones
tugging, tugging at our bones.
“If you knew the depths I’d wandered,
or measured that hole that I’m in,
If you knew just how far I traveled,
then, maybe then, only then…”
Kevin Morby, of Woods and The Babies fame. Watch him solo all casual.
The last track on the Unicorns only full album was “Ready to Die,” and it’s no coincidence Return To The Sea begins with “Swans.” It is both an homage to, and a maturation of, the Unicorns sound, including a number of songs they were performing before the breakup. Loosely a concept album, it’s the story of an apocalyptic future where volcanoes erupt, the oceans rise, and humans are driven underground to probe the edges of extinction. There are also excellent songs about anorexia and diamond mining. I said loosely, right? I’m gushing a bit here. Return To The Sea. Get it. They were never this good again.
B-Side: I Feel Evil (Creeping In)
a Mountain Goats song
so maybe i lied for the protection
of the silent and the defenseless
when i said that only the dairy
products wished to speak to you
for since translating the misgivings
of that cream left on the counter
in the heat all day i have had
no peace from tiny voices yelling
this house is magic that i lied
everything here has a voice the stones
you stacked together want to know
if they’re going back into the trunk
and back up to the quarry
where they came from i did not
have the heart to tell them
this house is magic where the voices
of everything at once are all too much
even the ghosts of things long gone
are speaking up i hear the corduroy couch
wondering where it is i hear the bunk beds
calling tops and bottoms i hear the cream
left on the counter in the sun saying
it’s okay if you want to leave me
out it’s okay just don’t leave me
alone it says
this house is magic and i’m sorry
if i lied i didn’t quite know how
to tell you how i feel about your selling
out this place that is my warm and safe
retreat i didn’t quite know how to translate
all the tiny little voices i have come
to know and talk to by myself living
lonely in their high and secret frequencies
all those voices here it’s hard to tell you
but i’m trying now because you don’t
seem to understand because they’re frantic
shouting pleading that i translate get this
through and i will try because although
the tongues of rocks and beds and chairs
and lawns and lights and lego blocks
and memories and childhood and life
and death and sadness are all different,
in the end they cry out just the same.
Dueling singers, off-beat lyrics, unicorns, ghosts, and guitars. The Unicorns were a wonderfully odd band. In time they died their dysfunctional death, and from their ashes rose Islands on Return To The Sea. But that’s for later. For now let’s just linger with these two, at the height of their collective power, in the silly sunshine of youth.
You’d have thought choosing just one Radiohead joint would be difficult, but it was surprisingly easy. The perfect song for weird dancing. Get long-limbed, oddly jointed, slowly, unfoldingly wild. Get dark with it.
“You should turn the other cheek…”
I went home and swallowed my pride to live
with my parents at 28 and get a real job
and save and assess marketable skills
and find nothing nobody paying a poet
more than peanuts an hour and that
the government so fine say it do it
fuck it I sat down and worked
hard on eight applications, eight
for six months and two studying
for the GRE and then driving
two hours to Vestal, fucking Vestal
and back in the dark after work taking
their damn test and paying two hundred
dollars and paying 60 dollars
and paying 60 dollars and 60 dollars
and 60 dollars and writing those damn
essays and selling myself bald and editing
and printing and revising and editing
those damn essays and getting through
my days at my government issue desk
job in my government issue office getting
rides both ways from my father
in my brother’s tie trading away
my life and vigor and youth for currency
and spending that exchange on this:
Eight applications. Eight fucking
applications
then up on a chance and flying for free
to Tanzania and this gripless challenge
learning Kiswahili from scratch struggling
with everything food water electricity being
always a pale translucent alien
with a glowing golden light
in my gut and always people talking
to me also always with an eye
on my glowing gut and knowing
that it hurts the alien but one
can simply reach in there
and snatch the treasure that will help
so much and who cares aliens
can always go back to Mars
for treatment to repair
the holes in their glutinous jelly
and being here one foot stupidly
still on Mars getting attacked
through the window of a cab catching
a poor kid pickpocket my head already
back on Mars on a professional path
where I could walk and work in a bubble
a bath of poetry and energy and like-minds
and creative flames no more lone-wolfing
from the mountaintop my dream
life my ambition my head already
reading my acceptance just one not
eight
fucking rejections rolling down together
like bowling pins in a slow building
strike stomp the floor and the last
one falls and here I am and there
is the equatorial sun and palm trees waving
against a grand and vivid sky huge
rolling clouds and I have music and monkeys
and a book of Roman history and a new language
to learn and use and smiling children holding
my hand and writing so much writing always
still to do and I’m young and have the time
now so fuck it fuck pity shit turn it up
and kick and live for nothing
worth doing is easy and you knew that
you know that no one can or will ever
do it for you so fuck it fists up now
shoulders back now it’s just you
and me now so sack up and see
the sky feel the wind wash your laugh
and live to let go do it all now delight
in the struggle let it go go to work
in the rarified air of your mountaintop workshop
with lightning in your hair and gold
in your gut and greatness
when it comes
will be yours.
I’ve got nothing right now.
Just listen.
The Stumblebum Brass Band playing a bar in Queens at 4AM. Another New York City subway graduate, he’s sort of a trash-bag Tom Waits with a trumpet. Raw, powerful, and an absolute mess.
i met a good slam poet once
who commanded the room
who told us with his hands
and rising emphasis and pauses
how much he wanted us
to understand how important
it was to understand how
to understand and we did
and we were all greatly
impressed and entertained
but my way has always been
a quiet way i want my words
to be something i can slip
beneath your door or hide
between the pages of your book
my way doesn’t need me
it is its own gestures
its own voice my words
could live without me
full-throated for as long
as there is you– i fall away
i get to fall away
and be shy
and live forever.
The Morning Benders changed their name to POP etc, after discovering “bender” was a gay slur in Europe. They then made some terrible, terrible new music. Such are risks and changes. Such is life. Big Echo is still an awesome album, nothing they’ve done since changes that. There is metaphor in this.
The man was sitting on the bridge looking down at the water when he saw the faery. It was a little white ball, almost fuzzy, drifting up towards him. It rose until it was on a level with him and then it stopped. “What are you doing?” It asked.
He looked down at the paper in his hands. “It’s all over.” The ball of light transcribed a little circle in the air; there was some kind of emotion in the maneuver but he couldn’t tell what it was.
“Are you going to jump?”
The man looked down at the water and sighed. “I’m tired. Tired of this, tired of everything. I’m sick of feeling this way.”
“Maybe I can help.”
“How?” He squinted at the ball.
“I can free you from that body. You can be like me.” The ball transcribed another circle in the air. The man thought the emotion might be excitement. He thought about it for a while, the two of them sitting there in silence. His stomach ached and his chest was tight. He thought about walking home, about his apartment, about going home and being alone. He looked up at the ball. It was hanging suspended in the air, light and ethereal and free.
“If I change my mind, can I go back?”
“Of course,” the ball said. “You just slip right back in. Flesh is easy to operate once you know what to do.”
“So, what do I do?”
“Just close your eyes. Relax. Let me inside and I’ll do the rest.” The man closed his eyes and felt the brightness of the ball coming closer. He took in a long deep breath and let it go slowly. The light beyond his eyes grew and grew until it no longer felt like it was outside his eyelids. Somewhere deep inside him a connecting piece of something snapped. Then another. Then another. In rapid succession, restraints he had never known severed and whipped away from a part of himself he had never recognized as his center. Then it was done.
The light faded and he found himself floating next to the ball, looking at his body. The head and shoulders lay slumped forward over the paunch and the mouth hung open, slack and gaping. He was free. A young couple holding hands came strolling along the bridge. “What color am I?” He asked the ball of white light.
“You’re purple!”
He tried moving and found it effortless. He floated over to the young couple. “Hey there,” he said. They stopped and turned to the water. Looking right through him, they spoke in murmurs to each other. “Hey,” he said again. He couldn’t seem to make out what they were saying. The words didn’t separate or form up together for some reason.
“They can’t hear you.” The ball of white light was at his side. “Only the really desperate can see us. It takes a certain confluence of time and place and person. That’s why I was so excited to find you.”
“Hmm.” He thought about this. Weighed it. “I feel so light. What happens now? What can I do?”
“Ah, you can do this!”
The ball of white light transcribed another circle, then rocketed suddenly upwards. He made a little circle of his own, then fired off after it. The two lights blazed up into the night, into the low cloud cover, on through the glowing moonlit vapor, then burst out into the airy ether of the atmosphere above the world, shining purple and white. The stars winked in brilliance and the moon bathed the cloudy floor below them in light. He was free. He tried to laugh but realized he had no voice. He tried to smile but no longer had a mouth. Instead he made a circle. It wasn’t as good. The ball of white light dropped away.
He looked down and watched it for a second, racing back towards the earth, then he turned to follow. Back down into the clouds, then through, then out into the low night and on towards the bridge. He tried to catch up but wasn’t fast enough. It got there first.
He floated there before himself, trying to think, trying to take it all back. He tried to get inside but couldn’t. He tried to yell but couldn’t. He made a circle. His body sat there, inert, slouched over itself. He made a circle. There was a flash of white light in the eyes, then they blinked and the head came up. His face looked right through him. He made a circle. It crumpled up the paper and threw it off the bridge. Then it lumbered to its feet and walked away.
–
He followed as it wandered at random through the city, touching things, licking its fingers. More than once it stopped for no reason and began to laugh. Eventually, the panic fading, he gave up. Anyways he knew where it lived. Instead he drifted back to the bridge and settled in to watch the young couple. They looked like they were fighting. There would be others, he thought. This would be fine.
Shaky Hands, for the morning, for lifting one up out of bed.
Help me up, fellas.
A single hanging bulb illuminates the center of the room, where a man stands in the small circle of light. Eyes wide and breathing shallow, he studies the darkness beyond his vision. Spinning slowly, warily, he searches for movement in the shadows. The camera begins a slow pan out. It looks down on the vacant adjoining rooms. Then the whole deserted asylum. Then the un-worked fields surrounding it. Picking up speed it looks down on a deserted city. Still gaining speed it takes in an entire empty continent. Now it has reached the edge of the atmosphere and stares down at a dark planet. Growing exponentially faster it reaches the edge of a lightless solar system. As it reaches the limit of an empty galaxy, the man looks upwards after the tiny receding dot of light. When it reaches the end of existence, there is a moment of stillness. Then the hanging bulb winks out.
Once a Velvet Underground fan-boy, sleeping on their manager’s couch and failing to make a living, later the unlikely godfather of punk music, covered by David Bowie, The Sex Pistols, Iggy Pop, The Violent Femmes, The Pixies, and appearing as the guitar-playing Greek chorus in There’s Something About Mary. Somehow Jonathan Richman remained forever the child on that couch– Playful, earnest, unaffected. Bless his heart.
I remember years ago stumbling on an old clip of this on YouTube, long before Ghostland Observatory got famous, when it only had a few hundred views. He was playing it live in someone’s shag-carpet basement, androgynously pudgy and gyrating weirdly in tight leather pants, with long black hair and dark sunglasses. The comments were mostly some kid calling him a faggot.
Ready?
Dance.
of fear without hope,
in great aspirations,
of trying to cope,
in sad limitations,
of coming apart,
in untouchable things,
of losing my heart,
in tree stumps and rings.
Bill Callahan, once of Smog, and a voice like no other. Not in range or scope, but in richness, like the timbre of a masterwork guitar.
this is for the writers the photographers
painters and filmmakers this
is for the dancers the singers
the artists the children
with fingerpaint
throwing tantrums this
is for the ones who know
that to be born inside a thing
to live inside to breathe
inside a thing you have to care
enough to die a little death
and i’m sorry if you aren’t
nodding please feel free to walk
on this it’s not about you this
is for the ones who know
the spark that sets the fires
blazing causing squirming
madness causing all
the little deaths in pain and doubt
and fear the everkiller fear is ever
present with the spark that is
as well the only road to light
in life worth living by
and this is for the spark the one
you sometimes wake up feeling
leading you to doom and this
is for the wanting this
is for the writers the photographers
painters and filmmakers this
is for the dancers the singers
the artists the children
all of them half mad and hiding
in piles of props and clothes
their vanity and fear the ones
who know the weird and ugly
broken fat and thin the handsome
sad the stunted storytellers
they who are brave
they who are strong
of will enough to ride against
themselves to catch a glimpse to make
a glimpse of beauty this
is for the ones who know
but don’t believe
they are beautiful.