the way home

80s synths aren’t dead, they just went for a really long walk.  It makes you wonder, does this mean turtle necks are coming back too?  They went for cigarettes ages ago…

mystery to me

Though they have tailed off in recent years, this band managed to buck the trend of one-and-effectively-done album releases that plague so much modern music.  I hate to use the term Beatles-esque to describe anyone or anything — the Beatles were unique, a scientific singularity — but damn if this doesn’t merit it anyways.  One of the great joys of my music discovery odyssey, an old friend over all the years, I give you: Dr. Dog.

B-Side: I’m Standing in the Light

Pilot

I should never have come, I knew that now.  Peter wiped his mouth and broke the silence.  “Start-up costs, that’s where they kill you.”

“Mm” I said, forking up the last of my salmon.

“You think you’ve got this golden idea, and you’re not wrong.  But then you realize what it takes to get it off the ground.  The loan, the building, permits, everything.”

“Do you feel that?” The ground was shaking.

“It’s just a plane taking off.”  He gestured.  “There’s so many it makes your head spin.  Most people you meet are dead in the water and don’t even know it.”  I could see the water in my glass vibrating.

“I dunno, Peter—“

“Pete, please, you’re the only one who calls me Peter anymore.”

I sighed.  “I dunno, Pete.  Seems like you have to take the risk, these things never happen on their own.  I mean look, you’re paying for this meal.”

”Sure,” he reflected, inspecting the end of his tie.  “But I’m different, I’m a predator.  I kill to eat.

“I guess ,” I said.

“You have to understand that.”

“Sure,” I said.

“Where is she now?”

“I don’t know.”  I didn’t want to say that.  I didn’t want to be here at all.  I looked down and watched my water shiver in its glass.  He was wrong of course, I understood that much.  Planes have pilots; planes take off.  The earth shook and the windows rattled in their frames.  I could feel it.  It was coming straight towards me.

empty mountain dwellings

i said, to all the hidden sages
of humanity, i said please
do not despair
of humanity for in all its ignorance
and great disaster there is still
potential

and though times may be bleak, please
do not despair
of humanity for there are still those
who are true if only in private
and mostly thankless ways

oh, hidden sages of humanity, i said please
i beg you
do not fold in on yourselves do not
withdraw from your mountain dwellings
and fade to myth

for there are still those
who are true and those
who are willing, oh

hidden sages of humanity

for them i beg you please
do not despair of humanity, i said
and then i waited

and a cold wind replied.

david bowie i love you (since i was six)

Say what you will about Anton, and there’s plenty to say, but he was, in his way, a genius.  He never compromised.  Not for anyone or anything.  Do yourself a favor and watch Dig!  It’s wonderful.  I’ll wait here, with this.

reptilia

The 90s was a rough musical time to come of age without guidance.  It was the era of Lite97 FM, Total Request Live, boybands, easy listening, ClearChannel worming its slimy tendrils throughout the radio world, homogenizing everything into its pay-for-play formulaic paste.  Creed and Knickleback got a lot of air time.  Blink 182 and Sum 41 were the closest things I had to rock and roll on the radio, which was my only conduit to music.  I always knew there was more, that it was out there, but I just couldn’t see how to get to it.  Then one day, out of nowhere, The Strokes came over the speakers.  In the backseat of my parent’s car, everything changed.

I remember later lying comatose, half on a couch, half on the floor, too drunk to continue, as this song came on in the other room.  I didn’t know it, and couldn’t make the necessary motions to get up and find out what it was.  But fuck if I didn’t like it.  I reconciled myself to never knowing, relaxing into the stupor and enjoying the moment.  It was a beautiful philosophical epiphany about being present and letting go.  Of course I heard it again later, and to my utter lack of surprise, it too was The Strokes.  Though they never really made good music again after these albums, Julian Casablanca and company will always hold a place in my heart.  It was the 90s.  I was a child looking for something.  They were it.

half moon circle dirt and shining

there are only ever circles i recall
summer standing upright still
humming under wind and clouds
and skies and light and underneath
my grin my foolish face a half
moon circle smile i remember
winter losing fingernails
to frozen earth to make myself
a place to live and lie and hide
and rest until i had the strength
to move my hands and pull the earth
back down over half moon humming
over all the dark skies dimming
over melancholy over
nothing then i took a breath
and lightness found me there
are only ever circles i recall
lying empty down there still
on my back and looking
upwards with a twitching rising
half moon full of dirt and shining
all across my foolish face.

brains

My empty living room in Brighton, my empty campsite in Yunnan, my empty house in Tanzania, my empty bedroom in St. Louis.  I have danced naked to this song on four continents.  That’s about all I have to say about that.

people don’t change blues

Of all The Growlers’ prolific output to choose from, I’ve gone with this, from their very early days.  I’m not sure it’s even Brooks singing, but there is something unpolished and simple and trancey here that gets to the essence of what they are: Weird, poor, self-destructive, and under-appreciated.  One way or another, these things never last.  Here it is for 3 minutes and 8 seconds, pure.

the colors of the dawn

my memories smeared together
and the words i promised myself
to remember those good words
that got me through the night

became slurred and fell away

so i took my solace in the silence
and the colors of the dawn.

god’s bathroom floor

Some throwback hip-hop to keep things eclectic.  Beyond the sweet little jazz beat, beyond Slug’s distinctive delivery, beyond it just being a great song, it is also one of my favorite poems:

“Well here I be, within a pool of my drool, sedated, windows dilated– Comatose, life overdose.”

or

“So call management to seek some reimbursement for the nerve endings that burnt from the first hits.”

Yeah, that.  What he said.

two

In 2009, The Antlers put out a very strange album.  Urban legend says the lead singer locked himself away in his apartment for months, letting all his relationships wither, then emerged one day holding this.  This thing.  It’s a concept album, revolving around a relationship between a hospice worker and his terminal cancer patient, who may or may not be a… child.  It is weird as fuck.  It is also, top to bottom, one of the most complete breakup albums I’ve ever heard.  His falsetto can shatter glass.  I can’t recommend it enough.

The World is Going to Eat You Up

The sun came in through the blinds, causing him to stir.  “A.C. wake up.”  He groaned and shifted his weight.  “C’mon, wake up.”  Little hands pushed at him.  He opened his eyes and looked at the boy sitting on his bed.  He wore a fluffy, oversized robe and a serious expression.  A.C. waved a vague hand in his direction.

“Yeah, Luke, I know.  I’m up.  Just give me a minute.”  The boy nodded, climbed down off the bed and went downstairs.  A.C. took his time putting on sweatpants and a t-shirt, then followed him down, yawning and scratching his belly.  Luke sat at the table eating cereal from a big bowl with a big spoon, gripping it near the middle.

A.C. sat down heavily.  A puppy came bounding from the other room and leapt into his lap.  He rubbed its belly and scratched behind its ears.  “Hey buddy,” he said to the dog, then looked up to include Luke.  “Can you be ready in ten?  We’re late.”

“Yep.”  Luke stood and went to the kitchen.  A.C. heard the clatter of dishes and running water.  “Hey A.C.,” the little voice came from the kitchen, “when are you going back to work?”  Leaning back, A.C. closed his eyes, scratched the dog’s ears and let go a long breath.

“I don’t know.”  The water stopped and Luke came to stand in the doorway, a dishtowel over his shoulder.  He cocked his head and looked at A.C, but didn’t say anything.  Then he went back to the kitchen and started making a sandwich for lunch.

An hour later, the old station wagon pulled to a stop before the school.  “I’ll be back at three, make it your bee’s wax to be here, kiddo.”  Luke didn’t say anything for a minute, just gave him a long, serious look.  Then he leaned over and kissed his cheek.  A.C. watched him run off, backpack bouncing and lunchbox swinging at his side.  That look bothered him.  He put the car in gear and pulled out of the parking lot.

A.C. sat at the picnic table on the lawn outside the house.  The puppy ran past, chasing a blowing leaf.  He peered up at the cloudless winter sky and shivered.  When he looked down a centipede was crawling along the surface of the table.  He resisted the urge to move his hand, instead letting it walk up to his fingers.  It poked at him with its antennae for a moment, then crawled upwards.  He felt the strange sensation of its legs on his skin.  It wasn’t so bad, he thought.  It started crawling up his palm, but as it neared the cuff of his shirt he jerked his arm and shook it off.

Around two thirty he went to pick up Luke.  By the time they got home it was dark.  A.C. carried two big boxes into the house, while at his side Luke struggled along with a third.  They set them down heavily and stood, panting and looking at each other.  The dog came running up and sniffed at the cardboard.  “Scat, buster.”

Luke went into the kitchen.  “What do you want for dinner?”

“I don’t care, whatever you want.”

“OK.”  The gas stove flamed to life and A.C. heard the sound of running water, then a clank as Luke set a pot on the burner.  He mixed a drink and sat on the sofa, his feet up on one of the boxes.  They were dusty, it looked like they’d been in storage for some time.  He sat and sipped his drink, gazing vacantly out the window as Luke boiled macaroni.  It was snowing, he noticed.

They ate quietly at the table, Luke sipping his milk, A.C. his drink.  “This is delicious, kiddo, thank you,” he said through a mouthful.  Luke looked up, but didn’t say anything.

After dinner they did the dishes together, then went and sat on the floor next to the boxes.  Luke took a binder out of his backpack and opened it over the top of a box.  He worked on his math homework as A.C. watched the ice melt in his drink.  When it was gone he made another.  Then another.  Luke carried on doing math problems while outside the snow fell in silence.  Everything was still.  The phone rang and A.C. picked it up.

“Hello?”  He was quiet for a while, listening.  “No, we haven’t seen anything.  Yes, I’m sure.  Alright, I’ll keep an eye out.”  He hung up and turned to Luke.  “That was the sheriff.  Says he’s been getting some strange calls recently about an animal.  Thinks it’s probably just a coyote, but wanted to let us know.”

“Hey A.C.?”

“Yeah?”

“Where’s Edgar?”

He looked around.  “I dunno, haven’t seen him since we got home.”

“Me neither.”  They checked the bedroom, the closets, under the sink.  It was a small house, and the dog wasn’t in it.

“Did you close the door when we came in?”  A.C. asked.

“I think so, didn’t I?”  They went to check, and found the door unlatched.  A chill wind was blowing in through the crack.  A.C. pushed the door open and the light from the kitchen illuminated a small patch of snow-covered ground.   They both looked out at the darkness as the snow continued to fall.  Luke shivered.

“It’s okay, kiddo, you were helping me carry boxes.  Go finish your homework, I’m sure Edgar will turn up.”  Luke looked at him, but didn’t say anything.

When he finished his math homework Luke got up and brushed his teeth.  Then he took a bath.  A.C. listened to him splashing around, then heard him drain the tub, dry himself and get into bed.  He got up and went into the bedroom to turn off the light.  As he was about to close the door he heard Luke’s little voice.  “A.C?”

“What’s up.”

“Can I hear your lullaby one time?  Say it for Edgar and me.”

“Yeah, alright.  One time.”  A.C. sat on the edge of the bed.  In a low, quiet voice, he began:

“Soothing rhythms bred from they
who read these words aloud as day
fades the harshest squirmings cease
so rest my child and dream of peace.”

Luke’s eyes were closed as A.C. stepped quietly into the hall and closed the door.  He went back to the living room, mixed another drink, and sat down with his feet on a box.  The snow fell unrelenting outside the window.  He sipped his drink and watched it until his eyes grew heavy and he drifted off to sleep.

In the middle of the night he opened his eyes.  The house was dark and cold and still, but he had the uneasy feeling something had woken him.  There it was–a faint growling coming from outside.  Then a yelp.  Then silence.  He rose slowly to his feet, rubbed the sleep from his eyes, and went to check.  When he opened the door he stopped.  In the darkness near the edge of the light was his dog.

Edgar was lying in a pool of blood, his stomach ripped open, one leg twitching.  A.C. stepped out and gathered the little body in his arms.  Gazing all around him he saw nothing, only falling snow.  He took him back inside, locked the door and threw the bolt.  In the hopes of sparing Luke, he wrapped the corpse in an old towel and hid it under the sink.  He took the bottle of vodka with him into the living room.

He took the top off one of the boxes and sat for a long time looking at pictures.  An elderly couple, smiling.  A young woman, beautiful, her arms wrapped around a young him.  He pulled out a CD and blew off the dust.  When he got up and put it on the melody came to him, heavy, laden with old feeling.

What was the name of this song?  He unscrewed the vodka, sank back into the cushions and took a long drink.  Then another.  He couldn’t remember.  He knew it was in his brain somewhere, but he couldn’t think of it.  It wouldn’t come.  For some reason this made him want to cry.

Rising on unsteady legs, he walked to the bedroom.  When he opened the door Luke was awake, watching him with his serious little eyes.  He leaned sloppily against the doorframe.  “Luke.  Little Luke.  The world is going to eat you up.”

“I know, A.C.”

“Well good.  Move over.”  Luke slid over and A.C. got in beside him.  “Don’t worry,” he murmured, “it’s going to eat me first.”  Luke reached out a hand and placed it flat on A.C.’s chest.  He felt the heart beat slow beneath his palm.

“A.C.?”

“Yeah.”

“You shouldn’t say things like that to me.”

A.C. didn’t say anything to anyone, just took a long drink and set the bottle by the bed.  Eventually they both fell asleep.

Outside, in the darkness and snow, something sat watching the house.  In no particular hurry, it licked the blood off its lips.  Then it sat very still.

dark, dark, dark

This little beauty was introduced to me through a cover by the variously talented Colleen Young.  Since she has been remiss in her recordings of late, we’ll have to settle here for the original.  It too, is good.

Oh, the unspeakable things.

ed busking chester

When I first discovered this video, I thought busking was Ed’s middle name — turns out I wasn’t terribly wrong.  It was my first experience with the term, with electric violin, and with the unbelievable potential of looper pedals.  Ed’s story is he went on tour with a band, made money, put out albums, then for whatever reason gave it all up to go play in the street.  There is something pure and wonderful about that. This video is terrible, but somehow discovering him through a poorly edited vacationer’s home movie makes it all even better.  His name is Ed Alleyne-Johnson.  He built that purple electric violin. He is a symphony unto himself.

a place between where i exist

i check my pulse i laugh i have
escaped again i felt and found

the way the jailers all forget
all the time and all the chains

and all the walls can wait for me
to wander back from my escape

in beauty where the tiny touches
pattern in the huge and hidden

place between where i exist
in living breathing poetry.

i get along without you very well

So I was playing Catan with my parents, providing them with some vintage jazz ambiance to soothe them as they bowed to the inevitable.  In a fit of pique, my father remarked that Chet Baker had a terrible voice.  I… disagreed.

You had a lovely voice, Chet.

redlights

I imagine him someplace urban, deserted, an abandoned warehouse or vacant office building.  He sits on a dirty pallet, puts a rock in the glass pipe, lights it, inhales and holds.  In the old chipped disc-man there is a CD labeled in black sharpie.  He sets it spinning and this song comes over the headphones, a song he made when he still had a hold on himself.  He leans back and exhales.  The smoke drifts upwards, expanding, fading.

Spring Animals

I was bumming around with Em, years ago, sitting on a bench at a little park.  It was autumn and cold and there were no kids around.  We were just sitting there without talking, there was nothing more to say.  Over her shoulder I saw a little playground with some plastic animals set on springs.  I got up and walked over there and she followed me.  We both took an animal and started rocking back and forth.  Hers was a dragon.  Mine was a sea horse.

“Are we old?”  She asked.

“No,” I said, “not yet.”

“I feel old.”  She shivered beneath her coat.

We sat there side by side, rocking gently back and forth.  I tried to reach out and touch her, but she bent sideways on her spring, so I stopped.  A breeze blew some dry leaves off the trees and they settled on the ground around us.  I was looking at them when I saw the kid.  He was standing by the swings, one arm looped around the pole, just looking at us.  Well, he wasn’t looking at us exactly, he was looking at our animals.

“Can I try?”

“Yeah dude, knock yourself out.”  He came walking up to my sea horse and put a hand on its curved plastic tail.  I stepped off with one leg, but my pants caught in the spring.  The horse pulled forward with me as I tugged.  When I yanked it free the horse jumped up.

Em gasped.  My hands rose of their own volition and gripped my hair.  “Oh shit.”

“Why did you do that?”

“Oh shit.”

“Oh my god, look at him.  Something’s wrong with him.”

She was right, something was wrong.  I went over, crouched down and looked at him lying there.  The fingers of one hand were clenching and unclenching, like an insect without its head.  I looked at his little ribs.  “He’s breathing.”

“Why did you do that?”  She asked again.  She wasn’t looking at the kid anymore, she was looking at me.  I wasn’t going to answer a question like that.  It was cold and the dying leaves rustled on their branches.  Another one broke and came drifting down.

it gets your body moving

Open your eyes.

It’s over there, smug, strutting, posturing for the crowd.  Get up.  Show it you’re not finished.  Teach it something it doesn’t know.  Wipe your face, smear the mess into warpaint.  Teach it who you are.

Open your eyes.

Get up.

juicy

An old favorite for a cold day in an endless winter.  Something with resonance; a nostalgic vibration to warm the insides.  

Something gentle to generate heat.

to our first days, my love, from daddy far away

listen my baby, my darling,
i’m sorry your mother and i
have been fighting so much
lately, it isn’t your fault
it’s both of our faults and nobody’s
fault but what can you do? it’s
just life my darling, my beautiful
baby and i love you so much
and i’m sorry so sorry
that i’m here and i can’t
come to visit and i can’t
pick you up on my shoulders
to dance and make animal noises
and swing you laughing around
because this distance, my darling,
between us is time,
only time,
and not space.

blue in green

I somehow lived an entire life until just recently without listening to Miles Davis with any seriousness.  If that’s true for you too, well, here he is with Bill Evans and John Coltrane.  Because of course.  Light your cigarette, sip your wine, play it loud so it fills your living room.  Something soothing for a friend in need.  Would that we could all be soothed.

demon host

“Oh reverend please, can I chew your ear?
I’ve become what I most fear.
And I know there’s no such thing as ghosts–
but I have seen the demon host.”

kuvunjika kwa koleo sio mwisho wa uhunzi

“the breaking of the tongs isn’t the end of the forging”

he found it late and started
thinking of himself a painted
god and did it at a whirling
pace and ate his first rejections
and that made him strong

and he went about in flush
with power of it painted
gods don’t fear they roar
and live their secret songs
and publish and he ate
his first deserved tearing-downs
and that made him strong

and as he roared he drank
and fled but at his best was still
a stoned and smearing painted
god and sent off applications
to learned places he could work
the craft not carry its enormous
weight alone he ate rejections
and that made him strong

and he did it then with fire
licking at his painted guts
white and wipping arcing fires
backlit in his frantic eyes

and then the rains arrived
and then they stopped
and something soft and spent
and aimless curled up
inside and didn’t do it
anymore and didn’t want
the pity for the aching loss
for the purpose he had carried
then he carried still inside
alone as ever from the first
alone with all the scalding
flames the searing light
he felt it still in darkened
places hiding lost as ever
same as ever but he knew
that once and who can say
this once he roared and shook
his heavens rattled chaos once
he was a burning painted god

and washed of paint he looked at last
clean and blinking from himself
and in the darkness ate the truth
and it made him strong.

three consecutive cancellations

musee 013Connecting flight was cancelled, repeatedly, spent three days off the cuff wandering New York bed to bed to bed again.  Clothing all flipped inside out, again.  An entire ailing bank account sucked dry.  Feeling out of sorts, disconnected, drifting in the sludge and snow, unable to form real connections even with old friends.  And then at the MoMa on a whim I find

musee 019musee 017 musee 010  musee 020

Warhol.  And Lichtenstein.  And Pollock.  And Nauman.  And the free jazz in the village is a woman who deserves way more attention.  And the Cloister at the top of the island accepts a dollar for medieval art.  And the subway is full of this.

This city, man.  We have a complicated relationship.

musee 025

Website Powered by WordPress.com.

Up ↑