you know when you wake

you know when you wake
with that aimless drunk
you did something bad
guilt and your nose
hurts and you wonder
did i do drugs?
did i get hit?
did i hit myself
on something again?
there’s blood in my snot
in the shower though i think
this time it wasn’t drugs
i’m pretty sure i shamed
myself squinting i get hazy
memories of making out
with a married girl-woman
on the floor by her passed
out boy-husband hugging
a tub of wine i’m a mess
without you my nose hurts
and i don’t know why
my self-esteem ebbs and pulses
and swells and flutters
like a shaky heartbeat.